The Queen of Spades

Today I talked to one of the females in my life. I will call her the Queen of Spades, QoS for short.

QoS and I went to highschool together many years ago and I have always found her extremely attractive, funny and an actual joy to be around. I know we are very different. I know she and I could never talk about literature or religion the way I love to. Yet I can't say her name without smiling. There is something about her I can't put my finger on that I am drawn to. Maybe it's because she was 'that girl' in highschool. You know the song "____ is the girl all the boys want to dance with, and I was the boy losing too many chances."

She and I recently reconnected and throughout Novemeber and December met up for several drinks and talked over the phone and computer. I must say the 'verbal foreplay' was intoxicating and when we would spend time together I had a lightness about me that could have been very easy to get used to.

Nonetheless I admitted to her today that I have been seeing someone for the last month. Her reaction was curious. She accepted it. She has had many boyfriends in her life and her and whenever her and I reconnect (every year or so) we always push it right to the line, but never cross over. Never cheat on whoever we were/are with. She said this time that she knows her and I will get together one of these days, and she knows it will be great. So she wasn't bothered by this, just made me promise to keep in touch.

I know that's dangerous. It was already deceitful for me to keep my late night discussions with QoS from the girl I am currently seeing. I told QoS that I wouldn't completely lose touch again, but that I couldn't do the flirty talks and the pre-planned run-ins at the bar etc.

I feel unburdened by telling her the truth but at the same time, there is a strange other feeling I can't describe. Like I can't put my finger on what it is that attracts me to her so much I can't define what emotion I felt as soon as I hung up...

3 months ago when I broke up with my fiancee I thought I would be able to start getting to unravel the real me. It seems though I'm not finding any answers, just more questions that I throw into the big black unknown.

Who knows...